I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
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