3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Randomize
