Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Randomize
