his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
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