Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
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