i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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