i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I can't trust your balls anymore.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
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