I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
Drunk is not a location!
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
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