I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Randomize
