yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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