Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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