We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
I wish there were birth control emojis
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
