Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
a search helicopter?!
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
