Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Randomize
