im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
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