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• (630): View more from Illinois

  i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber

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• (505): View more from New Mexico

  I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.

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• (734): View more from Michigan

  i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..

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• (226): View more from Ontario

  I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.

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• (408): View more from California

  I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.

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• (903): View more from Texas

  Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.

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• (336): View more from North Carolina

  Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper

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• (302): View more from Delaware

  seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.

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• (817): View more from Texas

  Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.

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• (561): View more from Florida

  Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.

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• (757): View more from Virginia

  She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up

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• (513): View more from Ohio

  None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.

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• (647): View more from Ontario

  I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now

  (416): View more from Toronto

  bring lube too

  (647): View more from Ontario

  i hate all of you

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• (770): View more from Georgia

  let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that

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• (814): View more from Pennsylvania

  How'd things go with that guy last night?

  (1-814): View more from Pennsylvania

  He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.

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