the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
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