He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
Randomize
