It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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