im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
