I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
