Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Randomize
