she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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