i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Randomize
