The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
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