Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
Randomize
