But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
