I murdered the dance floor call the cops
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
Just watched a UNI fan at the bar lick the tears off of a KU fans face.. See what march madness does to people
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
