What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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