It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
either way he was missing a nipple.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Randomize
