Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
