Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
