he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
I'm both gender and math confused
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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