I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Randomize
