And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
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