The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
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