i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
Randomize
