Moan for me like Helen Keller
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Randomize
