omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
