Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
Randomize
