Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Randomize
