I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
it was like eating out sand paper
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
It's total crap. On a side note I watched a porn of 4 guys wrestling in chocolate then messing around with each other. It was like a dream come true
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
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