paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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