Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Randomize
