My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
