I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
