Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
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