In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
