Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
