Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
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